Hades Grand
Written By Dennis Dougherty and Karyn Grunwald

Remember that awful heat wave when you thought your skin would fry.
I prayed for cool salvation when my air conditioner died.
Well when I went to sleep that evening it must have been two hundred degrees.
I should have known that it was all over when the devil spoke to me.

He said in reviewing all your records it seems you've been remiss.
I see a picture of a little old man with nothing on his grocery list.
Ah so you where just to busy you had better things to do.
Well you're gonna have to do the shopping now for a million people or two.

CHORUS:
Where goin' Shoppin' at the Hades Grand
The store that's bigger then Disney Land
There's only one checkout clerk as well
A typical day of shopping in Hell.

I pushed that carriage barefoot down isle of broken glass.
Mother's with demon babies and the father's they all had gas.
Muszak it was a pumpin' on the sinners down below.
ACDC doomed to play the best of Barry Manilow.

Chorus

I thought that I would fix em' I'd buy the worst dam food I could.
Anchoveries with peanut butter now doesn't that sound good?
Or how about a garlic brownie or cat food alamode.
Liver and apricot jelly on an Ex-Lax pizza to go.

Chorus

Well I was just about twelve hours later when the devil he called me name.
I though, "ah I'm gonna be fired and sent packin' what a shame".
But he saw lines stretched out for miles right up to the bathroom door.
He said "I couldn't have done any better myself so the job is eternally yours!

Chorus

Attention shoppers
Anyone caught in the express checkout with ten or more items will be
basted, skewred, roasted, boiled in oil for ten thousand years.
Big Laugh
And thank you for shopping the Hades Grand

Chorus

Summer of Love
Written By Pete Nelson
 

When I was sixteen and a man of the world I was madly in love with a catholic girl
She had gray Irish eyes the whitest of teeth and a body that left the whole neighborhood weak
It was a body a fully grown women should have in the spring of her years in the summer of love
So for gentleman callers she’d a dozen or more well I was the one her dad let in the door

And in the small hours the whole town asleep I would crawl out my window and climb down my tree
An I’d light up a lucky as I walked to her house where I’d climb to her window to lure her out
We’d go down to the park were we’d lie in the grass we’d talk about life as it flew by so fast
And sometimes she’d kiss me and sometimes she’d let me touch her in the dark were I’d hadn’t touched yet

And sometimes at her window I thought I would die she’d already be out with some other guy

And I’d say Shawn Where have you gone its 1968 and the Beatles are on
I’ve got nine cigarettes that should last us till dawn
Oh Shawn were have you gone

There was bobby and Barry and Paul Jim and Rick you were so friendly I was literally sick
But when we were alone I was more or less lost and I’d do what you told me what ever the cost
Sometimes I’d come help when you’d baby sit kids for all that we knew they were dead in their cribs
It was late in October I think when I heard everybody was talking and spreading the word

Hey did you hear Shawn in pregnant and she’s keeping the kid and she’s not telling anyone who the guy is
When I saw you I didn’t know quite what to say though I wasn’t the only one speechless that day
A week later we learned that you’d dropped out of school and all your old suitors were playing it cool
So I went to you house and I climbed up your tree and all that I knew was it couldn’t be me

You had left town and you never came back later we learned that the baby was black

Shawn, where have you gone its nineteen sixty eight and the Beatles are on
 I’ve got nine cigarettes that should last us till dawn
Oh Shawn were have you gone

Well now it’s twenty years later and I’m still the guy with the fly away hair and the smoke in his eye
Its our high school reunion and every ones here playing down the effects of the drugs and the beer
We are balding and gray overweight and just tired and so is the rock and roll band someone hired
Rick and Barry Paul Jim and Bob are all happy and healthy but Jim lost his job

We are married with children and mortgages too we can’t believe all the things we used to do
We can still sing along to that song by the birds though its harder each year to remember the words
We can look back an laugh and the memories are warm we can still raise a glass to the old blue and orange
But the music is playing a song from that year and all I can think is that you should be here

Because while we wax nostalgic or wistful or said still we celebrate something that you never had
A chance to grow slowly a chance to find peace you became an adult in just thirty six weeks
While we were enjoying the time to be young you were somewhere alone taking care of your son
And its not mine to say to forgive or forget and I wouldn’t presume that your full of regrets

But I wish you could see how we’ve turned into men now that we’re all reunited again
And I wish I could see you though I can’t make amends for abandoning you when you needed you friends
And I wish I could know that you’re doing all right cause your name has come up several times tonight
It was a magical mystery tour we were on the long winding road we’re still travel Shawn

When I was fifteen and a man of the world I was madly in love with a catholic girl

Foolish Questions
Written By Arthur Smith
last verse by Russell Jacobs
 

Now you've all heard the foolish questions and you know doubt wonder why
A person will ask you a foolish question and expect a sensible reply
Like when you take you girl some candy say maybe just after tea
Now the first thing she'll do is wrinkle up her nose and ask: 'is that for me'
Foolish questions, you might as well reply
No I brought the candy for your ma and pa or its for some other guy
I just wanted you to see it and now I'm gonna take it away
Now wasn't that a foolish question, you'll hear'em every day

Now then there's the kind of guy, whose always hanging round your place
And he watches you take your shaving brush, and start to lather up your face
And as you give your razor, a preliminary wave
This guys gonna walk up and ask you: 'are you gonna shave'
Foolish questions, you answer is I hope:
No I'm not prepared for shaving I just love the taste of soap
I kind of like to take the shaving brush ya know and kind of paint myself up this way
Now wasn't that a foolish question, you'll hear'em every day

Now then there's the person, who meets you on your way
And he asks you why your all dressed up and then listens while you say
That you've just been returning from the funeral of dear old brother Ned
And as your standing there ringing out your handkerchief he'll ask you: 'is Ned dead'
Foolish questions, you hang you head an moan:
No he thought he'd have the funeral now and die later on
Ned was always so original, I think he would have wanted it that way
Now wasn't that a foolish question, you'll hear'em every day

Now suppose the elevator person, should forget to close the door
And you should tumble down oh say 47 floors
And as you reach the bottom and your lying there inert
Some fool stick his head down the elevator shaft and holler: 'are you hurt'
Foolish questions, your dying words are "no":
I was just in awful hurry and that elevators just to slow
Usually saves a lot of time you know coming down this way
you'll hear'em every day

Now me and my brother here are alike in so many ways
Like genes and chromosomes and so I'm always amazed
Cause we'll be standing up hear singing, smiling are identical grins
Someone's bound to walk up and ask us: 'hey are you guys twins'
Foolish questions, we look her straight in the eye
No actually I got plastic surgery so I'd look just like this handsome guy
Or haven't you heard I've perfected the cloning process, just the other day
Now wasn't that a foolish question, you'll hear'em every day

Now I was sitting on a park bench it was a cold and breezy day
So I sat right down on the newspaper ya know to try and keep the cold away
So this guy he sees the paper on which I just barely sat
And he leans right over and asked me “say are you reading that”
Foolish questions so to him I spoke
Well as a matter of fact I am I said but he took that for a joke
So I got up and turned the page and sat back down again
Now wasn't that a foolish question, you'll hear'em now and then

That was a, foolish question you'll hear'em every day.

Arnold
Music: Ken Galipeau
Lyrics: Les Barker

Arnold was an armadillo, in oh so in need of romance
That is chanced one Saturday evening Arnold went out to a dance.
The moment he walked in the room, he saw her as if he had known
She'd be there by the side of the stage, all he wanted, all in black, all alone.
She was there she was his dress to kill-o
If only his glasses where cleaner.
He was an armadillo she was a concertina.

He struggled to make conversation, he leap frogged from topic to topic
If only she'd say something back, if only he wasn't myopic
Bright silver buttons in rows, from head down to toes in black leather
Could this beauty love him here goes, poor Arnold thought its now or never.
He could picture her head on his pillow
He loved her the moment he'd seen her
He was an armadillo she was a concertina.

You can't help but feel for the lad-o, how happy poor Arnold would be
If he could make love in the shadows and no one but no one could see.
Alas what he thought might have been-o, a sweet secret was soured completely
Sex with a concertina is rarely accomplished discreetly.
The dancer stopped stripping the willow
Oh what a loud misdemeanor
He was an armadillo she was a concertina.

Picture love as a kind of concerto, poor Arnold his first was unfinished.
What let everyone who was there know, was a very loud C sharp diminished
Somebody said "Hey look its Arnold", and he ran from there scorn and their laughter
Into the darkness outside and never returned ever after.
Tales of lost love and dreams unfulfill-o
Cruel cupid you've never been meaner.
He was an armadillo she was a concertina.
He was an armadillo she was a concertina.


Wavin' Joe
Written By Dave Kleiner & Ralph Litwin Copyright 1998

Heard about a guy in Totowa
On Bogert Street. You go to a
Corner and turn right just off of Union Boulevard.
A guy named Joe is sitting there
With his plastic table and his folding chair.
Under his umbrella relaxing in his yard.

CHORUS:
And it's hey ho,Wavin' Joe,
You been waving since long ago
Out in the rain and the wind and the snow.
Say “Hi” to Wavin' Joe.

Folks started honking as they passed
And the rowdies though it would be a blast
To keep the neighbors up all the night, honking all the time.
Police blamed it on Wavin' Joe,
Said he couldn't wave no more.
All the papers and the TV crew rushed down to the scene of the crime.

Chorus

Joe told the papers and TV crew
Police told me to stay out of view.
They say that my poor neighbors complain they can't sleep.
But Wavin' Joe knows his rights.
The law can't keep him out of sight.
He said, “I told the policemen all to take a beep.”

Chorus

And now with neighborhood peace in mind,
The town erected a little sign:
And you can see it when you are passing through
(spoken:) It Says, "Attention
Feel free to wave to your neighbor.
Please do not HONK . (sung:) Thank you."

Chorus

<new verse written by Ralph Litwin and Ken Galipeau>

I heard that Wavin' Joe passed away
The sign's no longer there today.
But he is still remembered, for his rabble rousing crime.
Cause Joe made the world a better place,
He could put a smile upon your face.
Let's celebrate Joe's... chutzpah!... by waving one more time.

Chorus

Old Blevins
Written By Hank Card/Conrad Deisler

We had a little quarrel she and I she told me just to curl up and die.
I crept out to drowned my sorrows at a joint called no tomorrows.
When the old man came and looked me in the eye.
Old Blevins

I could tell he had some wisdom to impart;
Stories that where etch and burned and stamped upon his heart.
Then his eyes began to glisten when he saw that I would listen.
We sat there in that bar 'til nearly three.
And this is what old Blevins said to me.

He Said:
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah in Tijuana
Blah blah blah back in 1963
He Said:
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah you should have been there
Blah blah blah is what Old Blevins said to me

I sat there and I listened to his words
As they flapped around my head like little birds
Had he gone plumb 'round the bend
Or could I just not comprehend
His lips were writing lines I could not read
When suddenly, it all came clear to me

As he said "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah them crazy hippies
Blah blah blah blah no effect on me
He said:
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the great depression
blah blah blah and he would not leave me be

Old blevins was still talking when I seized my chance to flee
Back home she's never known I'm not the fool I used to be
Buy I know that a man and woman's lives were somehow changed
By a loathesome toothless geezer, incoherent and deranged
And my memories of that evening fuel and inner mounting fear
That I might become old Blevins anywhere that they sell beer

And I'll say "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I don't remember
Blah blah blah blah blah blah Mistakes were made
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah How 'bout them Yankees?
Blah blah blah Like Old Blevins used to say
Old Blevins

Nobody Hugs a Hedgehog
Written By Les Barker

I don't think anyone loves me;
They'll talk to me, it's true;
But do they put their arms around me?
No, they never do.
They're always very friendly
Till we get back to my place;
We'll share the Emva Cream
But never the embrace.

Nobody hugs a hedgehog;
I'm so lonely every night.
Nobody hugs a hedgehog;
Nobody holds me tight.

I get along in conversation;
It's the contact that I lack;
No fingers running through my hair;
No pats upon the back.
No one wants to hold me;
No one fulfils my need;
Everyone wants to be friendly
But nobody wants to bleed.

Nobody hugs a hedgehog;
It's a tearful little song;
Nobody hugs a hedgehog;
Not for very long.

It never bothered me before,
But you I really like;
My proper name is Reginald
But you can call me Spike.
I'm a prickly little person;
I wish I could be blunt.
I'm a softie at the centre
And my back is just a front.

Nobody hugs a hedgehog;
I never get a squeeze;
Nobody hugs a hedgehog;
Won't you do it? Please.

Mexican Rabbi
Written By David Kleiner

I was traveling down Mexico Way, It was a Jewish holiday
I stepped into a temple to pray, What I saw took my breathe away
There on the bema was a vision so pure, My heart tilted like a mezuzah on a door
Then an old man sitting next to me, Tugged at my tallas, and he said to me:

CHORUS:
Don't fall in love with a Mexican rabbi
She'll break your heart in two, like a matzo tortilla
When she says "Shalom" does she mean hello or good-bye
And does she just want a chair, when she says "silla"

Well I laughed at this silly old man, Said you just do not understand
I'm only here for the services, I'm not looking for a relationship
Then she began her sermon, and looked right at me, I turned greener than guacamole
More in love with every word she said, Than I heard a voice inside my head

CHORUS:
Don't fall in love with a Mexican rabbi
She'll break your heart in two, like a kreplach quesadilla
When she says "shalom", does she mean hello or good-bye
And does she just want a chair, when she says "see ya"

I met her outside the temple door, I never ever kissed a rabbi before
Her lips were sweet as Manishevitz wine, With a shot of Cuervo on the side
Then I heard the cantor say, "She belongs to the moyel, Jose"
And I knew yes I knew I should leave, but then I heard her say:
"Come a little bit closer, you're my kind of mensch, so rich and secure
Come a little bit closer, and please don't kvetch, donde vas, por favor"

Well I thought I found heaven on Earth, Finally someone who knew my net worth
I was ready to carry her away, When I heard the crowd scream, "Oy VAY!"
There stood Jose, with some kind of tool, He said, "Step back gringo, this is my shool"
If there's one thing I've learned by my age, Don't mess with a Moyle in a murderous rage.

So I said good-bye to my Mexican rabbi
There are some things you don't forget, like a herring piñata
When she said "Shalom" did she mean hello or good-bye
As I sadly walked away, I just whispered, Manyana...

Don't fall in love with a Mexican rabbi.

Early Easter Morning
Written By Liza DiSavino

It was early Easter morning when a car pulled up to me.
I was working in my garden, scooping up piles of leaves.
A woman opened the door and walked up to me, said she had come to set me free.
With some books and some pamphlets for me to read
Early Easter morning

She waved her books and pamphlets and spoke of the fires of hell.
And how the world was ending, only ones like her could tell.
And she said how the world was consigned to flames.
And god knew the righteous ones by name, like her and her family pure and unstained.
Early Easter morning.

Narrow is the way she said, narrow pure and straight
A certain number only will enter heavens gate.
And the wicked will fall as the righteous always knew for god only loves those Christian and true
How does this all sound to you?
Early Easter morning.

Well I said still raking leaves and speaking with a smile.
Your god sounds very prejudice and jealous like a child.
and as far as him keeping lists of name of who gets the gate and who gets the flame.
It sounds like a cosmic bouncers game.
Early Easter morning.

Spring is waking up around us, life is born again.
Its different this year then every before and will ever be again.
For each moment is newly created, warmed by the sun lights kiss.
Maybe Jesus died for you but god still lives in this.

I believe in seek and you shall find no matter who you are.
I believe that gods a live in every person and every star.
So please do not read from that book again, I believe its the blessing of all woman and men.
To find all roads joined in the end.
Early Easter morning.

I looked into her eyes and saw a flickering of doubt.
"Its been interesting meeting you" she said then turned it out.
And each of thought the other odd, she left with her books and knowing nod.
Leaving me to my sleeping earth and god.
Early Easter morning.

Little Blue Book
Written By Jim West

I was deep in West Virginia late one Friday night.
Four hundred fifty miles where down with fifty more to drive.
There was no moon and the night was blacker then the coal down deep below.
When I flew up over that mountain top I wasn't goin; slow.

White light, yellow light, red light, blue light exploded in my eye
I swear the light light spinning round it sure lit of the sky.
I was only doing eighty but the law said fifty five.
And the big tall man in the black and tan said "Radar Guns Don't Lie"

CHORUS:
And I said lets have a look in the little blue book we'll find a song to sing.
Two hundred and eighty one pages there's a song for everything.
Have no fear all the words are here we'll just make up the tune.
'Tween me and you if that's all we do we'll both feel better soon.

I was sitting at a traffic light and time was getting short.
I was late for work and my headache hurt and my future was not assured.
The car ahead began to move and then it stopped real fast.
I was looking o left and looking to the right and then I hit the gas
CRUNCH

Well he was eight foot tall and that wasn't all I think he worked out alot
And he looked at the back of his brand new car and started gettin' hot.
He big blue vein up and down his neck and his ears where gettin' red.
Then he came on back to have a little chat and this is what I said:

Chorus

I had just got my new guitar and boy did feel proud.
I was playing along on some Guthrie tune and singing with the crowd.
And then I saw beside me a vision of delight.
She was singing perfect harmony and knew tonight's the night

She sure was a beauty tall and thin and blond.
And when she winked I knew that I had won her with my charm.
I was a new folk singing, hey and this what its all about about.
Then she whispered in my ear when she got near: "Your out of tune and your playing too loud".

Chorus

Individuation Blues
Written By Harold Seils

I've got to individuate, I got to live on my own
Find the secret of happiness all alone
Won't you help me Mr C.G.
Do wah do wah diddy Jung.

You say its my ego, causin' all this pain
You know I've never seen one you say its somewhere in my brain
Take it out don't be long Mr C.G.
Do wah do wah diddy Jung.

I'm seeing this analyst, cute as a dove
Good lord you know I just feel in love
Help me out of this one Mr C.G.
Do wah do wah diddy Jung.

Collective unconsciousness driving my insane
Ya know I've got everybody else's thoughts running through my brain
DOn't want to hear them Mr C.G.
Do wah do wah diddy Jung.

I've got to individuate, I got to live on my own
Find the secret of happiness all alone
Oh won't you help me Mr C.G.
Are sure you its not p enis evny Mr C.G.
Do wah do wah diddy Jung.

Dead Dog Cider
Written By Trevor Crozier

In eighteen hundred and forty nine in a little cider mill.
A poor old dog lay down to rest though he was felling ill.
He choose a most precarious perch above the cider press.
And in his slumber tumbled in and perished in distress.

This caused hi master for to grieve likewise his mistress too.
Until their sorrow to relieve they sampled of the brew.
Gadzooks cried farmer Atwater the likes I nair did sup.
Go summon all the neighbors in and bid them take a cup.

Now every man who drank that night got drank as drank could be.
And wondered how the scrumpie had acquired such potency.
The farmer held his counsel as he took another drop.
And all at once that poor old dog came floating to the top.

A silent feel among the room as everyone one did frown.
For they recognized poor Bendigo though he was upside down.
The parson lost his collar and collapsed upon the floor.
The squire lost his britches in his rush to reach the door.

Oh halt cried farmer Atwater for in all his life I vow.
Hw never bit a man nor beast and he'll not bit thee now.
And this shall be his epitaph here lies poor faithful Ben.
Who perished in a cider vat and quickly rose again.

So if you ever down in Devon and you stops off at a bar.
Ask for dead dog cider its the best there is by far.
Refuse all imitations and you'll sleep just like a log.
You'll always recognize it by the hair of the dog.

Stuck in the Mud
Written By Harold Seils

CHORUS:
Gotta get this boat down river
Gotta get this boat down river
Gotta get this boat down river
But its stuck in the mud all over the place
Stuck in the mud all over the place

Sometimes I wake up flying
Sometimes I wake up crying
Sometimes I wake up praying
How to get out this mud all over the place
Out this mud all over the place

Chorus

So many people who are trying to help me
So many friends who cheer me on
A little voice tries to show me the way
Still I get stuck in the mud almost everyday
Stuck in the mud almost everyday

Chorus

Sometimes I don't know what to do
Sometimes I don't know which way to go
Sometimes I just get stuck in the mud
And that river don't seem to flow
River don't seem to flow

Chorus
Stuck in the mud all over the place

Ballad of Molly the Dog
Written By Margaret Crowl

 You won’t believe this story but I swear that its all true
For weeks we had been packing the moving van was due
From Newport to Annapolis the trip would be that day
There was just one last logistic before getting under way.

CHORUS:
When your feeling antsy and you driving in your car.
And your in a hurry because you must go far.
Be sure to pull over to the side of the road.
If you've got a problem that you must unload.

We had a lab retriever Molly was her name
She was old and feeble Incontinent and lame
We were kinda worried cuz the trip it was quite far
What if Molly had an accident In the back seat of the car

We thought the problem over and devised a clever plan
We draped the seat with bedspreads and had paper towels on hand
If while driving down the turnpike, Old Molly dropped a load
We would catch it with a paper towel and throw it on the road

Chorus

Well sure enough, it happened I’m sorry to admit
About ten miles into Jersey Old Molly she did it
Mother grabbed the paper towels and quickly turned around
She scooped it up while daddy he rolled the window down

As the paper towel and dog doo went sailing through the air
A pick up truck was passing without a thought or care
His window was wide open his face was in a grin
Until that flying dog doo hit him smack upon the chin.

Chorus

I hope the driver of that truck will never hear this song
I’m sure environmentalists would say that we were wrong.
But if there’s a god in heaven I'm absolutely sure
He laughed as much as we did or maybe even more

All stories have a moral and this one is the same
If you’re out upon the highway and in the passing lane
If you’re minding your own business in your car or in your truck
If some one rolls there window down, roll your window up

Chorus

Gather the Family
Written By Michael A Hough & David W Tamulevich

CHORUS:
Gather the family here we belong
And welcome good stranger come in
Our voices together all singing one song
And its here that the future begins

Our ancestors came from a way far away
From a thousand traditions and kin
What we all share together as we stand here today
With a chance to start over again

Chorus

Our measure of worth’s not in power or gold
The greatest truth come from the heart
It’s how we take care of the weak and the old
And this is a place we can start

Chorus

And so like a forest our roots hold the past
While our branches reach into the sky
Let our gift to our children be family that lasts
And a future to which they can fly

Chorus
Chorus

Christmas In the Trenches
Written By John McCutcheon

My name is Francis Tolliver, I come from Liverpool
Two years ago the war was waiting for me after school
To Belgium and to Flanders, to Germany, to here
I fought for king and country I love dear
‘twas Christmas in the trenches, were the frost, so bitter, hung
The frozen fields of France were still, no Christmas songs were sung
Out families back in England were toasting us that day
Their brave and glorious lads so far away

Well I was lying with my messmates on the cold and rocky ground
When across the lines of battle came a most peculiar sound
Say I, "now listen up me boys!" each soldier strained to here
As one young German voice sang out so clear
"he's singing bloody well, you know!" my partner says to me
Soon, one by one, each German voice joined in in harmony
The cannons rested silent, and the gas clouds rolled no more
As Christmas brought us respite form the war

As soon as they were finished and a reverent pause was spent
"god rest ye merry gentleman" struck up some lads from Kent
The next they sang was "stille nacht", "tis silent night says I
And in two tongues one song filled up that sky
"there's someone coming toward us!" the front line sentry cried
All sights were fixed on one long figure trudging from their side
His truce flag, like a Christmas star, shone on that plain so bright
As, he bravely, strode unarmed into the night

Soon one by one on either side walked into to no man's land
With neither gun nor bayonet we met there hand to hand
We shared some secret brandy and we wished each other well
And in a flare-lit soccer game we gave'em hell
We trade chocolates, cigarettes, and photographs from home
These sons and fathers far away from families of their own
Young sanders played his squeeze box and they had a violin
This curious and unlikely band of men

Soon daylight stole upon us and France was France once more
With sad farewells we each began to settle back to war
But the question haunted every heart that beat that wondrous night
"whose family have I fixed within my sights?"
Twas Christmas in the trenches where the frost, so bitter hung
The frozen fields of France were warmed as songs of peace were sung
For the walls they'd kept between us to exact the work of war
Had been crumbled and were gone forevermore

Oh my name is Francis Tolliver, in Liverpool I dwell
Each Christmas come since world war one, I've learned its lessons well
That the ones who call the shots won't be among the dead and lame
And on each end of the rifle we're the same